10 Skills for Healing Body Shame

This blog is specifically about body size and shape only.

I don’t know one woman who does not feel shame for her body on some level from severe to mild. I don’t know one woman who does not criticize her fat this or that, her wrinkled this or that, the sagging neck or jaw, the ass that isn’t there, the boobs that are no longer perky, the aging body, the fat body, the misshaped body, on and on…

Me included and I have worked hard to heal over the years...

We are so deeply conditioned by the toxic cultural narrative around body image that we have internalized the poison and become the harsh judge of ourselves, holding ourselves to impossible and rigid body expectations.

Even if you don’t care about how you appear to others, you may still care how you appear to yourself without understanding that your preferences are not your own.

You may be heavily conditioned by your mother, father, friends and society, since birth and through the bloodline. Toxic conditioning is everywhere and has been going on for thousands of years even if the specifics have changed a little through the generations.

Body shame is the result.

I know body shame more than any other shame.

I have been obese and grew up the chubby kid who was always teased. I put on a lot of extra weight due to coping with childhood sexual abuse. I developed binge eating disorder as a young girl that lasted for many years and still pops out on occasion.

I have healed myself through the years and now I am happy in my body though still many sizes above the expected beauty norm in our society.

Truth is, every body has a natural size and shape it wants to be from teeny to huge. We don’t need to glorify thin and shame fat. We don’t need to glory fat and shame thin either. Healing is allowing the variety to return and self-sovereignty over one’s body to be restored.

Shame is the gate you must pass through if you want to recover self love for your body.

I have made friends with shame along the way. Shame is nothing more than a passing chemical storm. It is not who you are.

I now see my body as beautiful simply for being my body. The same way I love a pet is the same way I love my body. Our bodies truly are our pets.

True beauty is making peace with who you are body, mind, heart, and soul. But it’s hard because we are hooked on comparing ourselves and trying to meet society’s beauty expectations again and again.

To overcome body shame and feel self love for the body requires a commitment. Kind of like a marriage commitment. It is all too alluring to slip into body shame and believe it, again and again.

It only takes a moment to slip and fall into a shame spiral that acts like quick sand. The key is to treat shame like a passing storm and not believe in what it is telling you.

Love is not about liking all the time either. Love often loves what is does not like. This is hard to understand or put into words because love is a felt experience and not a logical equation.

Just like you love your pet or child fully even if you don’t like certain aspects, you can love your body.

Some people carry more weight than the beauty standard and enjoy how they look and some don’t. You can work on your size and shape if you want to change it but are you doing it from a place of love and true preference or from a conditioned expectation and as a way to avoid feeling shame?

This difference is important because if changing your body’s size and shape is motivated by shame you will never love your body no matter what you look like

I want to share what I did to release shame and love my body because maybe it will help you too.

1. I made the commitment to myself. I did this by creating a ritual on the new moon, calling in the directions and to the transpersonal forces in my own way, I asked for help and said my vows out loud. This was my marriage ceremony to my body.
2. I began doing yoga naked in front of a full length mirror. This was very hard! I had so much shame in the beginning but I kept doing it anyway and asking the transpersonal to help me see my shape and size with loving eyes. Wouldn’t you know it, it worked. I began to see myself with authentic loving eyes and to have acceptance around parts I did not like. I still do naked yoga because it has become very enjoyable connecting to my body this way. Our society tends to over-sexualize the naked body but let us break that mold. The naked body is our innocence and creature self in raw form. You can try a practice of looking into a full length mirror naked once a day for a few minutes. I recommend asking spirit to help you see with loving eyes. Stick with it. This took me a few months before my perception shifted and shame lifted.
3. I began mindful eating no matter what that looks like, meaning I can mindfully eat quickly with robust vigor as much as I might eat mindfully slow and methodical but the point is to be aware I am eating and enjoy the food. Thank the food. Thank my robust appetite. Thank my belly for digesting my food which is really number four.
4. Giving gratitude to the body for it’s functioning. Thank you body for digesting my food, for my walking legs, my eyes that see…you get the idea. Take some time to think about all your body is doing for you and give it thanks. Give thanks for your body allowing you to be here alive on this planet.
5. Radical acceptance. This one simple skill is hard to achieve and all you need to meet shame with love. I learned how to move through the shame by giving it space to express itself without fear. Learn to not fear shame. When shame rises up know that it is nothing more than a chemical storm coursing through your body. It is not who you are. When it rises up, notice shame as a sensation in the body and radically accept its existence just like you might accept a storm passing through your town. Shame will pass. Shame will leave the body when it is given non-resistance.
6. Find the movement you love. I found yoga. I love doing ashtanga yoga. When I do it, I feel like myself. I feel open, free, peaceful. It’s not fun per se, but it makes me feel whole and balanced. I also found fun body movement in walking and other random activities such as swimming and being on a boat feeling the water move my body ever so slightly. It’s not just movement, it’s how your body feels. I love the way my body feels when the sun shines on bare skin, when I step into a hot shower, when I slide into clean sheets. Find all the little body joys. Every day.
7. Stop looking at triggers like fashion mags or anything that seduces you into the comparing mind. I refused to pic up fashion magazines in the beginning stages of my healing journey because they made me feel not good enough. Now I can flip through them without being triggered but it took time. Know your limits. Honor your limits. Reduce triggers as much as you can until love starts to take over and shame is released enough. You will get stronger, I promise. It isn’t weak to know and honor your limits. It is smart and healthy.
8. Be consistent with your practices. This is the hardest lesson of all but absolutely necessary. I have this skill down with ease now but it took a few years of pushing myself to do what I don’t feel like doing over and over. You can not listen to your feelings and do the thing anyway. Get on the mat. Go for a walk. Say the gratitudes. Eat mindfully. Look into the mirror naked. Do the things.
9. Always call the transpersonal for help. Every morning I say my invocation and ask for spirit to take my body shame and bring me body healing. The transpersonal is real. You can surrender to your higher power. This is not weakness. We are only human. We are not superheroes and this is ok. Our wills are stronger when they are knitted to the whole, to the transpersonal larger forces however you relate to them, religious, spiritual, or nature.
10. Get into therapy! Of course I say this as therapist, I believe in it. If therapy isn’t your thing than have therapeutic dialogue through diary writing, talking with friends, seeing energy healers to get support, there are many ways. I keep a diary, talk to my spirit guides, and have my support system. Body shame is a big deal and usually very chronic and life long in women. Be patient with yourself. The healing takes time but results are real.

May you find your way to release shame and love your body. We are all in this together and the more each one of us heals the more society will hold a cultural narrative of love.